My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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