Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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