he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
