you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize