My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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