At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
