And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Randomize
