Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
