eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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