It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize