God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
