and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
