God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
