you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
