i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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