i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
