And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
