her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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