At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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