I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
