you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
