we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
