I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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