the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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