She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
