The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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