Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
