I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
