She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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