my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
