watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
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My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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