Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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