when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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