Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
