my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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