I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
