so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
