What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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