watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
