I just made out with a guy for $7.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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