Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
