I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
