she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
