I cockslap morals
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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