i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
