Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
