Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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