Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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