the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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