Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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