you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
