I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
