I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
