At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
