Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
