Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
