My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
